When the Thrill is Gone

“What about mad love and undying passion?” “Affection and comfortable lust are better.” Vanessa Grant, If You Loved me.

I was reading a romance novel when I came across these lines. I haven’t picked up a romantic book in a while, but they are my go to when I need the assurance that true love does exist. Whether in fiction or real life, it matters not. What is central is that if the human mind can conjure up such passion as we encounter on the pages of a good book, then surely it must be within our means to attain it. This conclusion is all the comfort I need as I face my own reality as a single woman living in the real world.

Mad love and undying passion versus affection and comfortable lust, which one is better? This question I grappled with after I read those lines from a dialogue between a man and a woman he is romantically involved with. The woman in question is our romance heroine, while her partner is the man she has been passively dating for a couple of months. It’s no surprise that women are the more sentimental ones. We all want the crazy love and the fiery passion, that is just how we are designed. Women are emotional feelers, while men are logical thinkers. That is not to say women cannot be rational and men emotional, but some traits are more dominant in one sex than the other.

As I contemplated these extremes, mad love versus affection, undying passion versus comfortable lust, emotions versus rationality, women versus men, I surmised that one is not necessarily superior to the other. Of course, our natural inclination is to place mad love above affection, and undying passion above comfortable lust, since one appears to be more intense than the other. But I propose that they are not necessarily antipodes, but rather an extension of the other. Paradoxically, I would argue that relationships built on the idea of affection and comfortable lust, last longer than those built on the idea of mad love and undying passion. If research is true, then couples we are looking to have a long-lasting relationship ought to discard the notion of mad love and undying passion altogether.

But we often do not think about the length as much as we think about the depth when it comes to love and relationships. A lot of emphasis is placed on feelings rather than longevity. We are obsessed with how the other person makes us feel, the tingling sensation in our chest, the butterflies in our stomach, the goosebumps on our arms, and all those other delicious things they do to us. These are all wonderful and great, we should feel this way, we deserve to feel this way, every single human being in a romantic relationship ought to experience these pleasurable sensations! But after these feelings, then what?

The romance novels fail to tell us that these delightful tenderness will not last forever. While they assure us that crazy love, fervent ardor, and strong desire do exist, they never tell us what happens to our heroes and heroines after they dash off into the sunset on their white horses. We are left believing it is truly all happily ever after when we close the last page on the final chapter. The writers are so good, they leave us desiring the kind of love we witnessed on those cream-colored pages. Our reality seems pale in comparison. If you’ve ever read a good romance novel, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. But I’ve become skilled at piecing apart fiction from reality. Attribute this to years of living in the real world. Soon enough, some of us wake up from fairy tale land or are hijacked from it when reality sets in. Nothing wakes us up faster than a broken heart, and most of us have experienced that. If you haven’t experienced a broken heart, you have not yet lived.

Back to my question, what happens after the feelings are gone? Oh yes, they’ll vanish sooner or later. Research reveals that in the early stages of a romantic relationship the critical part of our brains takes a vacation, while all these sex and bonding hormones go to work (testosterone, dopamine, and oxytocin). But soon enough, the critical part of our brains returns and the chemicals are put to rest. Clinical Psychologist, Mona Fishbane, explains it best in an online post, she writes, “At some point the critical part of the brain come back online, and we see our partners, warts and all. The jazzed-up chemicals settle down, and our drug high gives way to a calmer brain state.” At this point, couples can either decide to have an affair, divorce and remarry or settle into a life of affection and comfortable lust. The stage of mad love and undying passion last between a year and three years. Those who stay together are those who have factored this fact into the relationship from the onset. The idea of mad love and undying passion conveyed to us by romance novels is quaint and charming, but it does not last forever. Let’s be realistic, there is no such thing as undying passion. Biology will eventually take its course, our brains cannot keep up with all those euphoric chemicals forever.

So, I decided that I wanted both mad love and “undying” passion and when that is gone, affection and comfortable lust with my partner. Now this idea may not sound too romantic, but I believe that there is beauty in longevity. Whether a marriage is sustained by mad love and later affection or solely by affection throughout the lifespan of the couple, the crucial factor is that it is sustained. I would choose an affectionate marriage with a satisfactory level of lust over a broken one on any day.

I have seen couples who keep reinventing ways to recreate the chemicals and keep the romance sizzling after many years of marriage, and couples we are perfectly contented with their easy affection towards each other. It is entirely up to us to make our marriage what we desire for it to be, or to cast it away when the thrill is gone.