Ìwà lẹwà (Character is Beauty)
Ìwà lẹwà is a saying in the Yoruba language that I did not quite understand until recently. There are many such similar proverbs. The Yoruba people pride themselves on being well cultured, and full of deep ancestral wisdom. There is always an idiom, proverb or folklore readily available to be applied to any circumstance. There are proverbs for wayward children and also for dutiful ones. There are several proverbs for a good person and similarly for an evil person. For every human experience, behavior or circumstance, there is a proverb in Yoruba that can be applied. Hardly will the elders make a statement without it being inclusive of some adage or words of wisdom. It’s a privilege to be a part of such rich ancestral and cultural heritage.
Ìwà lẹwà, is a very common saying among Yorubas. It literally means character is beauty, and is used to speak well of women who are not facially attractive, but have a good character or to speak ill of women who are beautiful, but have an evil character. Being a woman born and raised in Yoruba land, I understood the literal meaning of the words, but the wisdom of it eluded me until recently.
I was having a very candid exchange with a Nigerian male friend. He’s the kind I would refer to as matured, exposed and full of wisdom based on experience, and several years of learning. I have known him for quite a while and have engaged in many intellectual dialogues with him, so I trusted his wisdom and judgement. I don’t recall exactly how we came around to discussing the topic of women and beauty, but I rememeber telling him how I thought it was not fair that it is still socially unacceptable for women to propose. Being the feminist that I am, I can hardly converse with the opposite sex without introducing the subject of gender roles. But he disagreed with me and in fact made a statement that I thought radical. He said, not only can and do women propose, it has always been a woman’s call.
And so, on a cold winter night, sitting on our respective couches enjoying a late-night banter as we wait for sleep to envelope us, we began our didactic explication of the intricate relationship between a man and a woman. Like a leaved tree, the conversation branched off into different directions one of which is the concept of women, character and beauty.
I remember my friend saying something to the effect of, “I’m going to be very raw with you right now.” Having spent so much time in engaging with men, I understood this was a code for giving away some male secrets that women aren’t often aware of. Therefore, I knew to sit up and pay close attention. I’m a bit of an enthusiast when it comes to learning, particularly when the subject involves the opposite sex, their peculiar ways and how they think in relations to women. While, I do not entirely endorse the idea of thinking like a man, I do believe it is critical to understand how men think. So, with my ears perked up like an eager pupil ready to learn, my dear friend began his insightful lecture.
Women are responsible for initiating the proposal process. While they may not overtly go on one knee to pop the question as men do, a woman proposes to the man that she wants to marry him by investing her character into the union. A woman who has no interest in settling down with a man will not invest her moral qualities into the relationship. Let’s take for instance, a side chick. She is in the affair for the money and the pleasure. She has no reason to behave in a wifely manner. A side chick who begins to act like a wife is getting ready to take over.
When a woman demonstrates through her disposition that she is interested in building a home with a man, then he goes down on one knee and proposes. But a woman in which he does not perceive a good character (or as some will say, a wife material), he may play around with, but will never commit to. Because once a man gets past the sex phase of the relationship, whether or not he sleeps with the woman, the only thing keeping him is her character.
The first thing that attracts a man is a woman’s physical appeal. Don’t be deceived, no matter how “holy” he claims to be, all men are drawn to the same thing, the looks, the butt, and the boobs. When a man sees a woman he fancies, the first thing that comes to mind is sex. Not her intellect, success, moral standard or personality. If he succeeds in getting her to bed before any real attachment is formed, he’s bound to lose interest. If we cover up the faces of all women and expose their nakedness, underneath the clothing, vaginas are all the same. So, what keeps a man is not a woman’s sexual allure, there’s always a woman more beautiful than the current one. Men who do not act on their natural impulse mostly hold back for four reasons; self-control, respect for their spouses, love for their children and their personal convictions. Take those four away and all men will cheat. Don’t you ever think you can keep a man with your physical beauty. The true charm lies in your character.
Some women at the beginning of the romance pulls the man in with a good character, and then later flips on him by displaying a bad one. This often results in the man cheating or the relationship falling apart. A woman who cannot hold her man with her good conduct, is no different from every other woman out there batting their false lashes at him. This is the true meaning of Ìwà lẹwà.
However, some men will still cheat regardless of how good the woman is. This is because it’s a natural impulse and he has not learned to have self-control. Or simply because he is a jerk. But the point is a woman’s character is more attractive than her physical beauty.
I was pleased with this response. I like the idea of subtly proposing to a man. Many of us have too much female pride to begin with. We do not really want to go down on one knee and ask a man to marry us, no matter how crazy we are about him.
If we pride ourselves on our outer beauty, there’s always a woman more seductive around the corner and there’s no guarantee that if you got him by your beauty, another woman cannot take him away by hers. A real man sees past the outer covering, the make-up and the false lashes to the soul within which is revealed by our character either good or bad. While, it is essential to beautify the outside, we must not fail to build our character as well. This is our true beauty as women.
Ìwà lẹwà
