Expectations of a Conservative African Community

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within
_India Arie

I was told not to dye my hair so I could find a husband because what decent Nigerian man could possibly want a woman with color in her hair? And so I responded, if the “decent Nigerian man” can’t see past the color in my hair, then I don’t want him, he has no spirit of discernment and he walks by sight and not by faith, how do you expect me to marry a man like that? After this, I was left alone.

But many other encounter like this always raises questions in my head about what is culturally expected of me as a woman. Does my whole world revolve around a man? Do single women have to make choices about their appearances always keeping in mind that a potential suitor may be watching? Do women ever live true to who they are? Or are we so molded by the society that all we think about is performance? Women are constantly told to look a certain way, dress a certain way, laugh a certain way, walk a certain way, talk a certain way, eat a certain way, who knows? someone may be watching.

I have short hair and I love my hair. But I’ve been told several times men don’t like women with short hair. Why do women have to disregard their personal preferences because of a man? Is this an African thing or is it universal? A single woman cannot even dress up on a regular day without someone thinking she’s got a date.

Colleague: Wow you look really nice today, look at that dress. Are you going on date?

Me: Yes. With me, myself and I.

Is it really all about impressing a man when a woman dresses up or styles her hair? Is it the same for men? Does a single guy put on an outfit or cut his hair a certain way thinking a potential wife may be looking at him?

These are questions we may not even pay attention to, but here’s a piece of advice to my single women and men out there, always dress presentably, do what you can afford and be neat. But it boils down to this, while physical appearance matters in that you do have to be attracted to the other person, don’t put so much weight on the physical beauty while you miss out on the inner treasures of a person. The woman with the purple hair color could have a heart of gold, while the one who dresses like a nun could have the heart of Jezebel, vice versa.

The other thing is “be yourself”. Yes! Be yourself. Let the right person meet you just the way you are. Now this advice is for only those who already know how to dress and look good. If you don’t know how, go and learn (everything is on YouTube these days). But you don’t need to go over the top to impress someone who may or may not be watching. However, if the right person comes along, there may be changes that need to take place in how you dress, but the both of you will work that out together. You don’t really know what your potential spouse may be attracted to.

And to my African sisters, who says you have to marry a “decent African man”? There are a lot of decent men from different parts of the world and they just might love your hair color!

Lastly, don’t do anything permanent to your body because of anyone, a dyed hair is easy to rectify, short hair will grow, long hair can be trimmed, if you lose weight because of a man, you can gain it again. Those are easy. But don’t get a tattoo or a piecing or a plastic surgery because of a man. Just don’t do it!