Why Are Black Women Not Getting Married?

Why is there so much societal pressure on black women to get married, as if it is their fault that they are not getting married? It seems perfectly rational to blame a single woman for being single but there are several ways to look at it instead of assuming she can’t get a man. What if it’s not about just getting a man but getting the right man? With the insane divorce rate that keeps rising, why do we expect women to jump into matrimony with the first guy that comes along? We say things like, “she should have focused on marriage when she was younger, when a lot of guys were coming around, instead of pursuing a career”. This makes me wonder if our idea of a woman being independent is not conflicting with our ideas of her depending on her husband for her upkeep. A good question is, how many men in this day and age can afford to take good quality care of their wives and family without the financial support of  the woman? Unless he’s into yahoo yahoo or he’s a politician or he’s working at Chevron or something like that, it’s almost impossible to find such a man.

We are hurrying up women to marry, but we are not looking at the state of our young men. Black men in African countries and abroad are being disproportionately affected by the social and economic conditions of the society. For example, how many male graduates in Nigeria or America are finding a job right away, talk less of a good paying job? But we expect women to marry these men, and at the same time we expect the man to be the financial head of the house.

So here we have a woman who all her life have been brought up to believe her husband is supposed to take care of her. But she looks at the guy and sees that she’s doing far better than he is, should this woman be blamed for choosing to stay single? On the other hand, we have a man who is intimidated by the woman’s accomplishments, so he refuses to approach. Perhaps he is thinking what does she need me for, she’s got it all. But even this decision made by a man, not to approach, is blamed on women. Yet we live in a world where many still believe the man should do the chasing, they consider it shameful for a woman to go after a man. So here’s my single woman again, she’s waiting for the man to chase her, but he’s not coming and society is telling her not to go after him. So what exactly is she supposed to do and what are we blaming her for? Are we blaming her being too educated? For being financially stable? For going after her dreams? For wanting a man of equal or higher caliber? Even though we raised her with this mindset.

Instead of blaming single women for not getting married. How about we look at the ways in which we raise girls? How about we raise them not to depend on men for their upkeep so when they grow up, they don’t expect too much from their husbands? This is just a suggestion, but the reality is that many of our young black men are just not living up to the expectations women have in their minds and it’s not really these men’s fault, they are racially targeted, the justice system affects them, they are denied opportunities their white male counterparts have, and on top of it all, we expect them to be a man. What does it mean to be a man? How about a different definition of what it is to be a man because the one we have now is not working. A man’s ability to be a man should not be in relation to a woman or hinge on his ability to take care of a woman financially, because what happens if he’s unable to do that? He feels like he’s less of a man, and most times, he takes it out on the woman. Women however also lose respect for men, because they have it in their minds how a man is supposed to be. What a man is “supposed to be” and what a woman is “supposed to be” worked well during the days of our ancestors, whereby the woman sat at home and the man went out to work, their roles were very clear, he was the provider and she was the homemaker. It just doesn’t apply anymore in today’s society, because a lot of women are earning  more than their partners. But why are we still applying the same guidelines? There’s got to be a way in which couples can still live happily together in mutual respect even if the man is not the breadwinner. Then maybe money will not be the top reason for divorce.

The point is society is to be blamed for the single women “epidemic”. Because we raise these women with wrong mindsets and at the same time we limit what they can do because they are women. But we raise these men in the wrong way as well. What if we lived in a world where men are not raised to think they are supposed to control women? A society where men are not intimidated by successful women? A society where what makes a man a man is not his financial ability but just that he’s a man!

So why are women not getting married? It’s the society’s fault!