The Joining of Witty Characters

Funke has always thought there was nothing as spectacular as a Nigerian traditional wedding, the wedding of Shola and Bimpe convinced her all the more. The traditional wedding was nothing but splendid. The day as if aware of its importance, chose to be bright and sunny but not too hot. The wedding day of Bimpe and Shola started in the bride’s room with much primping and prepping, by the time Amarachi and Nikki were done with her, Bimpe looked like a royal. “Omalicha nwa!” Chika praised in Igbo surveying their hand work. The make-up looked impeccable. “You wait till Shola sees you his head will spin” said Chika. “I had much rather it not,” replied Bimpe, prompting the women to laugh.

There had been so much more laughter the previous night as Funke, Chika and the other bridesmaids teased Bimpe. They had gathered in Bimpe’s bedroom to prepare the trousseau for the honeymoon in Calabar. None of them were married except for Amarachi, but they had all had something to pitch in on how a bride should look and behave on the night of her honeymoon. More than once, Bimpe had pointed at her two best friends and said, “I am pretty sure I know more than these two here, especially you Funke.” But Chika and Funke were too busy enjoying their roles as honeymoon teachers they had ignored her. “So this is the one you wear on the D night,” said Funke, assuming a sexy pose in the middle of the bed. She lifted what could be best described as a flimsy triangular net in hot pink, held together by four single ropes. “Whooo!” the ladies shouted. It was part of a collection Amarachi had bought as gifts for the bride from Dubai. Chika brought out a tight transparent negligee she had bought when she went for her own bridal shopping in UK. “But first you wear this!” she said, prompting another set of “whooo!” from the women. Funke was pretty sure the men whose rooms were across the hall could hear them and were curious as to what was going on.

The women had all had mischievous glints in their eyes as they said their goodbyes to the men that evening and Funke saw the curiosity in the men’s eyes. Knowing how curious they were had made the women giggle childishly as they all made their way to Bimpe’s bedroom. But unknown to them, the men had followed shortly after and were all quietly eaves dropping on the conversation from outside Bimpe’s room. “A lady must have a sense of mystery, give him something to unravel” said Amarachi. “Which was why I bought this robe,” added Nikki producing a sexy satin robe in dark blue, the other ladies clapped and cheered. “Don’t you think he’ll get tired with all this layering?” asked Bimpe. “So do you just want to lie there naked the moment he enters into the room?” Funke countered. All the men nodded in silent agreement to her question. “You can’t do that.” said Amarachi, which made the men shake their head disgruntledly. “Why not?” asked Bimpe, prompting another set of nods from the eaves dropping men. “That wouldn’t be fun,” said Amarachi. She assumed a whispering voice, “let me tell you girls a secret”. The men in their haste to hear what she was about to say, mistakenly pushed on the door. “Who is there!” all the ladies shouted at once and marched to the door, the men realizing they have been caught made haste to scramble, but it was too late, the ladies opened the door and the men all smiled sheepishly like monkeys caught with stolen bananas. “Naughty boys!” said Amarachi as Bimpe and Nikki helped her march the men back to their rooms by their ears, while the other ladies laughed as the men cried out in feigned pain. A night like this would be remembered for as long as she lived, Funke thought.

The joining of two witty characters could be nothing less than the production of a theatrical performance. The traditional wedding of Bimpe and Shola was fun from start to finish. The bride friends looked gorgeous in their pink lace iro and buba and their gold gele. But the bride was even more beautiful. Funke felt as if it was her first time seeing Shola looking anything but playful. She was especially struck by the look in his face as his bride danced forward. It was so solemn she wanted to laugh, but it was too sweet a moment to do anything but observe. Funke wished a camera could capture that expression so they could show it to him later and he could see how evident his love had been for Bimpe on their wedding day. It should serve as a reminder to them for the rest of their lives how much they had loved each other in the beginning of their journey.

Chidi winked at Funke from where he was standing with the groom’s friends as she danced behind the bride with the other bride’s friends, she returned his winked. “They all look handsome” Funke whispered to Chika, “I know right” replied Chika “especially Chidi and my fiancé in their Aso oke and cap, it’s interesting to see Igbo men in a Yoruba attire.”

“I’ll make sure they take pictures,” said Funke before they were ushered to a stop by the two mistresses of the ceremony, one slight looking woman and her partner a plump woman with mouth like razor, she could talk the richest man in Nigeria out of all his money. “Let’s the torture begin”, Chika said and Funke burst into giggles, “I think it began a few minutes back”.  They were referring to marriage rites the groom and his friends had to go through to be granted the bride, including several prostrations and spending. It was the most fun part of a traditional wedding especially for the women. Funke has seen the MC at work before, she was hired from Lagos, the woman was not going to let the men off easily and they would empty all of their pockets before the end of the ceremony.

The ceremony progressed with the groom’s family stating their mission for the day. This never failed to amuse Funke, they all knew why they were gathered there, but the whole performance was part of the fun of the traditional wedding. The skinny MC who was representing the groom’s family stated that they were there to pluck a beautiful flower they had noticed in the garden of Bimpe’s father. Prompting the plump MC to ask what the flower looked like, so they could know which one they were referring to. “She is young, she is beautiful, she’s dark and lovely, she has a smile like a baby, she’s meek, she is gentle….” Chika and Funke from their sitting position exchanged a look and tried not to laugh, no one who knew Bimpe would refer to her as meek and gentle. “…In short if you bring one thousand women I’ll be able to point out the flower from them all,” finished the slight woman.

“Ok this is what we will do,” replied her plump partner. “We’ll bring out all the flowers in our garden, and then you can point to the one you are referring to.”

“Please do that,” nodded the slight woman.

“No wait a minute, it can’t be hastily done like that.” said the plump woman.

“What do you mean?” the slight woman asked innocently, she knew very well what was coming. They had both rehearsed it.

“Thank you for asking my friend,” her partner began, “you see, the flowers in our garden never come out of the garden. The only reason why they will come out is if you beg them.”

“We are willing to beg,” said the slight woman, turning to the groom and his friends “Abi, you guys don’t want to beg?”

“Yes o we will beg, we are ready to beg.” They all said simultaneously, the bride and her friends laughed.

“You see we are ready to beg,” said the slight woman turning back to her partner.

“Ok,” said the plump MC, “but the thing is our flowers only listen to the sound of music. They won’t come out otherwise.” The musicians and drummers were beckoned on to start the music and the bride’s friends were ushered to their feet. The bride was told to remain sited. “If they don’t start dropping money into that basket you people should stop dancing” the plump woman whispered to them. And after 20 seconds of dancing when no cash was visible, the bridesmaids stopped their dance and the music came to a halt.

“ah ah what happened,”  asked  the slight woman “we saw the flowers dancing forward but they stopped all of a sudden.”

“Of course they had to stop,” replied the plump woman, “I told you our flowers don’t come out, but they are coming out for the first time, the sun is too bright for them out here, they need to buy umbrellas and sunglasses to cover their head and eyes.”

“That’s no problem, we can provide that.” she turned back to the groom and his friends, “can’t we provide that?” she asked again. And they all nodded eagerly. This time around when the music started and the women began to dance, nobody prompted the men before they began putting money into the basket.

A few minutes later the music stopped and the slight woman was asked to point out to the flower out of all the ladies standing. “I don’t think our flower is amongst these ladies,” she said surveying all the brides’ friends, “but let me ask the groom, I am sure he knows best.” she beckoned to Shola “which one of these beautiful flowers is the one you said you wanted?”

“None,” Shola responded, shaking his head “she is not here.”

“Do you hear that?” said the slight woman, “he said she is not here. We have come from very far to pluck this flower here in Ogun state, we came all the way from Ile Ife. And we are not leaving here today without our flowers.”

“Yes o” the groom and his family echoed.

“Do you have any other flower in your garden we have not seen?” asked the slight woman.

The plump woman pretended to think about it for a second before replying, “yes yes, I almost forgot, we have one more flower in our garden.”

“Please bring her out so we can see her”, said the slight woman.

“But this flower is very shy o”, the plump woman said, and the time around Chika and Funke could not resist the laughter that erupted from their belly, even the groom  was trying hard not to laugh from where he was standing. All the while Bimpe was shaking her head and looking skyward.

“Before we can bring out this flower, these other flowers have to go back first so our garden is not empty.” said the plump woman “but they have been out for a while now, they are thirsty and they need water to go back, but they don’t drink tap water, they don’t even drink pure water, they only drink bottled water and you know that’s expensive.” More money was placed in the basket as the bride’s friends danced out of the floor. It was time for the bride to come out.

“Our most precious flower will come out now”, said the plump woman. “But she unlike her sisters wants her umbrella, sunglasses and water provided for ahead of time.” The men placed more money in the basket but still the bride will not dance forward.

“We have done as you asked, but we still can’t see the flower,” said the slight woman.

“Remember I told you she was shy,” responded her partner, “she needs a little bit of coaxing.”

“What can we do?” the slight woman asked

“coax her with good things. But since I only know what she likes, I will help you get it but you must give me transportation fare and money to buy the things then I will bring the flower out to you.”  Funke smiled at the impatient look in the groom’s face as more money was placed in the basket. Finally the bride was allowed to dance forward and the ceremony progressed. Afterwards the couples exchanged greetings, swapped love letters written by the two MCs, and fed each other wine and cake.

The ceremony ended on the dance floor as the couples and their friends and family danced and sprayed naira bills like no man’s business.

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