When The Going Gets Tough

Lately, I have met a lot of happy and interesting people. These are people who in spite of their sad situations have chosen to be happy. I’ve laid emphasis on the word “chosen”, for happiness is a choice. I consider myself privileged to have people (virtually strangers) confide in me about some of their most painful circumstances, particularly the failure of a relationship. Each and everyone of us, even the most conservative of us have experienced this at one time or another (except for those lucky few), and there are varying degrees of distraughting emotions that take place depending on the level of attachment. For instance, a divorce may be more traumatic than a broken engagement. We all enter into a relationship with the expectation that it would work out. No one hopes or wishes for it to end. Even about to-be-wedded couples muttering the words “for better, for worst” with all the emotions and feelings they could muster, do not really expect that things would turn out for the worst. But they sometimes do. We only need to look around us to see that. You and I know at least one or two divorced couples, or a couple who is about to take the plunge.

What happened? This is the first question I often ask. Some of these folks are ready to divulge even before I ask. I guess there’s a certain ease when it comes to opening up to complete strangers that stems from the notion that they don’t know us, and our parts may never cross with theirs again, so we are reassured that our secrets are safe with them. What happened? The answers vary from one gender to another, one situation to the next, and one status to another (married, engaged or dating), depending on the level of commitment, how long the relationship lasted, how long ago it ended, how it ended, and who called it off. I analyze each of these cases and try to determine if the couples could have somehow worked it out. The plain and sad truth after my careful analysis is that they possibly couldn’t have. I observed that no one truly desires for his or her romantic relationship to end!

Now I know we often think divorced couples could have stayed married. We believe there has got to be a way to make it work or they gave up too easily. Unfortunately, this is not often the case. Most people see marriage as that bridge of no return, once couples have crossed it, they are expected to remain in it for the rest of their lives. That’s a great outlook to have on marriage. Otherwise, what really sets it apart from other romantic relationships that are more or less treated as drive-throughs? We should have that expectation of together ever after in a marital union, and happily too. But sadly, it is not always so clear-cut.

Now I am not advocating for divorce. It is not the ideal for anyone, but it ends up happening anyways, due to a number of diffrent reasons. But it does not have to. In all of the cases I’ve been privy to, be it a broken engagement, a divorce, or an end of a long relationship, what I have come to learn is that no matter the circumstances of the dissolvement or the reason each person is giving as to why the union ended, it mostly boils down to this one factor, change. Ever heard of the phrase “this is not the person I married?” What is simply being said is that the person changed, and seems almost like a different person. After a relationship crashes or is about to, we would often hear things like “When I first met him, he was this or that, but then he began to change”, Or “I don’t know who she is anymore.” People change and circumstances change and sometimes we do not know how to deal with them.

Many people entering into a life time commitment fail to grasp the implication of what it is to be with a human being— a living, breathing, autonomous agent with a mind, body and soul. I think we too often underestimate human beings, and what ends up happening is that they do some things that catches us unaware, shocks us. But it would not if only we had been more intentional in our approach to the relationship. Sadly, people only tend to focus on the outer shell (body) that makes up a person, we make no inquiry into their interior, their minds and how they think.

People fall in love like leafs fall from trees and are swept off their feet just as the wind sweeps off those same leafs and the love crumbles and die just as the leafs do. We need to be more intentional with our relationship! Treat it like it is the most important mission you will ever embark on. Think of yourself as a soldier about to go to war, prepare for the unforeseen circumstances that may emerge. Expect people to change, anticipate issues that you do not even wish to deal with, (unfaithfulness, childlessness, lack of finances, illness, etc.) and be mentally and emotional ready to deal with them. This is how a marriage lasts! I cannot overemphasize this , a relationship is as good as the two individuals involved. The sad reality is that often, two weak (lacking maturity or emotional intelligence, etc.) individuals come together in holy matrimony but ends up eating each other up like parasites, or a strong individual comes together with a weak one and that person ends up making his or her partner’s live a series of unpleasant roller coaster rides. The perfect recipe for a solid and lasting relationship is for two whole individuals (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) to come together. Iron sharpens iron.

Back to my “she changed” or “he changed” people, more often than not, these people have been who they were from the beginning and have just evolved into a fuller version of themselves. We just did not see it because we were either blinded by love or because they pretended and we did not have the discernment to see through the veil to who they truly are. But in some cases, a person can genuinely change, they could go from being good to being “bad”. In situations like these, the two partners involved have to make the call on whether to keep the relationship going or to call it quit. It’s a tough decision. Sometimes, one person wants to keep going and the other is at the end of his or her ropes. Besides, everyone have a mind of their own. No one can change anyone’s mind unless the person is willing for his or her mind to be changed. A human’s mind is the most difficult thing on earth to transform. This is what I mean by grasping the implication of what it is to be in a relationship with a human being. Your partner is a free thinking agent. Who he or she really is, is what’s covered up by the body. Stop getting carried away with the outer layer.

The questions we should ask ourselves then are, will I still love after this person does something hurtful I don’t expect them to do? Will I love all the versions of this person to come? Will I love no matter what life throws at us? Will I stay for worst? This is where the choice comes in again. Love is a choice, but not one that can be made by just anyone. We do not need to be in a relationship to be happy or to live a fulfilling life. Marriage is a choice some people make. It takes the emotionally, spiritually, and mentally mature ones amongst us to stick to that choice through thick and thin, and good and worst. Unfortunately, a lot of people jump into relationships lacking these things and then bail out when the going gets tough.

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